A continuation of 30 days of kink
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
- Trust,
- Honesty,
- Respect,
- Great communication.
To me, the necessary elements for a good BDSM, and also the key foundations of a great vanilla relationship.
Too many times, I’ve seem people in vanilla relationships who haven’t sorted out the basics above first, and as a result their relationship suffered. They couldn’t talk freely, there was mistrust, there wan’t respect, and through holding things back there was dishonesty.
But within BDSM, even before a ‘first date’, more has probably been discussed and arranged with your potential play mate, than may be discussed in months or years of a vanilla relationship.
You’ve already revealed many of your deepest desires. You’ve learnt to listen to your intuition. You can ask others in the local community about that person (which isn’t anywhere near as easy in the vanilla world). You can also potentially see them in action at BDSM events and parties. And often ‘try before you buy’ without pressure from either side.
In an ongoing relationship, both people learn to be very sensitive to the needs and desires of the other. When you play, it’s often to a much higher level of intimacy, and this sensitivity carries on outside of play too.
But within a vanilla relationship, it’s almost as if you can get away with not having the same connection, and more people seem to put up with it this way.
Ground rules within BDSM are often much more strict than in vanilla. You’re often more aware of what’s going on, how it’s affecting both parties, etc.
BDSM seems to exaggerate any potential problems in a relationship early on.
(apart from the obvious times they become abusive, etc..).
In my observations, BDSM relationships tend to be healthier naturally, because they need to be better, to involve kink in the relationship too.