A continuation of 30 days of kink
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Dating.
When I’m on the singles websites (OKCupid, etc.), I can of course be more open about my interests in kink. Depending on the website, depends on how upfront I am about this. But meeting people in ‘public’ can be a little more challenging.
I’m fortunate that my ‘kinkdar’ or maybe just society, has helped me reached a situation where everyone I’ve dated so far has wanted to be tied-up (as a minimum). Much of the time, this can be their first experience (as they’ve not felt comfortable about telling previous partners about it, or haven’t haven’t felt safe enough with that partner), but I’ve only had the one main negative response with a friend in the past (who classed it as a ‘high level sexual addiction’).
I still have concerns of course about someone I’m clearly attracted to, responding with a response of disgust and outrage (as I hear has been various people’s experience on here). At what stage in the evening do you tell someone “by the way, I’d love to tie you to the bed later and do all manner of wonderful things to you”. Is it after the first passionate kiss? Or after the first couple of drinks?
I know of countless people in relationships where they knew they were kinky, but didn’t want to tell their partner. Only some time later they finally let their partner know, only to discover the partner felt exactly the same. They were a perfect match in kink, but their partner didn’t know how to raise the subject either.
It was for these main reasons I developed the Bound to Strip board game. So that couples could explore fun bondage in a comparative safe, structured, fun and sensual way, without otherwise having to ‘come out’. I look forward to getting it into the shops (and online sales) soon.
Misperception.
There are still a lot of misconceptions about bondage I’ve been aware of. As a result, there are numerous stories online of people who’ve had challenges with employment, child custody, etc.
It feels not too dissimilar to the challenges of the gay and lesbian communities not too many years ago, to come out, fight for their rights, and gain equality rather restrictions based on their sexuality. Of course even with all the legal rights to adopt, marry (almost), etc.. it’s still a big thing even now, for a celebrity or sports personality to come out as gay/lesbian, so it’s not there yet.
The massive popularity worldwide of 50 Shades, despite the poor writing in many ways, just shows how many kinky people there are in the world. One of my favourite statistics that the 50 shades books sold more copies than the bible, and is the fastest selling book in history, selling more copies in the UK than the entire Harry Potter series!
But I’m still very hesitant about people ‘coming out as kinky’, with what issues it may cause in their workplace, etc.
There’s still no legal protection for discrimination based on a kinky sexuality.
The more people can understand about the realities of consensual BDSM in a balanced relationship, the more I believe people will embrace and appreciate kink for the benefits it provides, not the misperceptions.