I’ve just heard harrowing news of someone I know, who in the last 24 hours has been violently attacked by their ex. The police had already been told about the harassment, locks changed, friends staying physically close daily, etc.. I won’t get into details but it is incredible they’re still alive right now. This is not the first story of this type, nor will it be the last.
As a male, for almost all my life I’ve been told by virtually all mass media, by books, by radio, by print media, by music, and by my peers, that I should not cry, not show any sign of caring emotions, that I should resolve my issues with violence (‘let’s take it outside’), that I should be jealous of other men, that I should only want one thing from women, that if a woman says no i just need to keep trying and eventually she’ll give up resisting and fall for my charming nature, that being a ‘nice guy’ is how you win over and manipulate women, that I shouldn’t get therapy, that I shouldn’t talk about my emotions unless it’s about sport, that I can’t have platonic relationships with women, that I shouldn’t want to be touched in a non-sexual way even though it feels good in a non-sexual way, and that I shouldn’t even take responsibility for any of my actions or feelings, and that boys will be boys.
This is all so fucked up.
I’m really glad that I’ve spent years trying to work through the unlearning of all these messages. I’m still fighting hard to avoid the violent and closed programming forced on me almost every day.
There is so much about ‘male behaviour’ I don’t understand, which is one of the reasons I don’t always identify as just he/him. Maybe it’s my neuro-divergence. Maybe it’s my on-going efforts at unlearning all the media enforced ‘societal norms’. I can see the evidence of the reasons why men continue to act in this way (they way they’ve been taught), but I can’t fully understand why they still choose to, when so many people have shared their own harrowing experiences.
I recognise I have done a lot of work on myself. I reflect on my decisions and actions a lot. I listen. I try to seek professional help when needed, I try not to expect my friends to do the work for me. I am getting better at expressing when I need emotional support from those with the spoons to give it.
I am still very privileged by my sex and gender expression and all the doors it has opened for me, and how so much of my life has been made easier by this and my many other privileges. I’m also very fortunate to have a brain that learns and relearns many types of things. I have good health. I have many opportunities for a good income. I have shelter. I have nutritional food. I have people & animals close to me that I care about and they care about me.
I was taught years ago that I can’t change the world, nor can I change a single other person. But at best I can work to change myself, and if I’m fortunate, I can try and support the people around me to help change what they want to change about themselves too.
We’re 2 years into a worldwide pandemic. Many of the world’s problems and injustices are being highlighted like a badly dubbed movie.
You’re not stuck in traffic, you are part of what makes traffic.
If you’re male and you don’t think you’re part of the problem, please learn to look around and you’ll see you are most certainly part of what makes the problem.
There are thousands of writings on here and throughout the internet, by women, about men, that don’t end with your climax.
If you can’t see misogyny and entitlement represented in virtually every movie ever released, you can’t see the wood for the trees.
Please find professional support when you need help.
Please find ways to talk to people you can trust and with whom you can express yourself naturally (and not just how you’ve been told to express yourself).
Please don’t expect anyone else to be able to change you. You’re the only one who can do that for yourself.