Someone commented recently that I used to have people queued up to be tied by me at events, so where did I go to?
2020 not withstanding, I backed away for a bit after escaping an abusive / unhealthy relationship with two people I was living with, and subsequently dealing with the recovery of having cancer where the tumour had apparently started growing during that same time. Sustained stress is apparently bad for the body : who knew!
The abusive people I lived with were also the kind of gossip stirrers that would try to lay the seed of doubt without taking any responsibility for what they said, or even stating anything directly. The “I just wanted you to know I’ve heard questionable things about ‘x’ ” statements with no substance or ownership, and leave it at that. The same type of people who would leave a trail of destruction behind them with virtually all prior relationships and interactions.
So when I knew my ex-abusers were going to be doing their usual ploy of throwing undefined gossip seeds, I didn’t want to discourage the communications from happening about me and everyone else involved. Open communication and explicit consent / discussion within kink is key after all, and is necessary for safer experiences.
I thought it was pretty clear for all those that knew me, that rumours spouted by them would be just malicious gossip, so it wouldn’t take long for those seeds to wither and disappear via people talking about it if / when things came up.
However I didn’t have the energy to try and defend myself from the unknown, especially when there wasn’t anything explicit I was even trying to defend myself about. I also wasn’t happy meeting new people not knowing if they had pre-conceived ideas based on rumours they may or may not have heard through the gossip.
So it was kind of easier for me to just leave whatever rumours to run their course, and carry on doing my own things with the people I was already happily with, without having to try and second guess everything.
Abuse sucks in so many ways. This part of the abuse was still ongoing as it was effectively still isolating me from the community.
The rumour
A couple of years later, I wasn’t that surprised when someone told me there was a rumour that had been going around the scene about me. What did humour me was the rumour itself, which was the antithesis of who I am.
A partner was mid-scene with another of their partners at a BnG, when an onlooker commented pointedly to someone else I knew “that’s the person in a relationship with an over-controlling boyfriend”.
Apparently the onlooker had heard this rumour about a year earlier, and it stuck so much that they commented so matter-of-fact to someone they didn’t really know standing beside them a year on.
It’s kind of funny they also said this whilst watching my partner playing with another of their partners at a semi-public event.
What surprised me when the rumour was traced back through this onlooker, was that it hadn’t come from one of my ex-abusers, but from one of the locally known broken steps who has been banned because of their repeated actions.
BS
The ‘broken steps’ still kicking around the Wellington scene are those individuals who people try to avoid. There’s a known history but not quite enough to remove them entirely.
Those BS individuals have often been banned from local events, sometimes they’re banned from organising or leading local events, but that doesn’t stop them approaching people online, or buddying up with other event organisers indirectly.
The knowledgeable locals try to shoo newbies away from the BS if they get the chance. Some people also aim to keep a ‘watchful eye’ from afar, but of course there’s only so much they can do.
So going to munches and talking to many others about your potential interest is generally a great idea for those who can make it along to those types of events. I’ve seen way too many new people burned on first contact online by the predators lurking on the edges.
My partners
For anyone who has dated or been intimate with me, knows how encouraging and supportive I am of them being intimate with and dating other people, finding their own paths, not isolating, and really only ‘controlling’ when consensually and explicitly holding the ropes mid-scene.
My partners will also confirm I don’t have a one penis policy, far from it.
I’m now almost 5 years free of cancer. The weirdness of 2020 is nearly over and settling into the new normal. I’m in a great place in my life in so many ways again. So I’m tentatively looking to meet new people through the local kink scene and be scene sociable again.
If you still worry that I’m a controlling partner : please speak to any one of my long term partners (past & present) who will be able to describe the reality for them, particular in direct relation to this.
Thank you.