A continuation of 30 days of kink
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.
I’ve been pretty quiet/non-public over the last year and a bit.
After being initially very active in the local scene, I’ve more recently stopped attending many of the local kink events.
I’ve mostly stopped uploading pictures too.
I also haven’t really been commenting on as much online, or even checking the ‘loving’ option all that much on other people’s uploads.
But I have been busy.
I moved house a few times, and have had wonderful times with amazing people. Plus there’s the sorting out of various work related matters too.
There was also that whole cancer thing about 15 months ago (which I’m still fortunately getting the all clear from in follow up tests). What I mostly gained from that experience is keeping toxic people out of my life, which is part of the reason I’ve been so quiet.
About 18 months ago, I was able to break away from the last in the line of the toxic/damaging people that have been involved in my life at various times. I really hope I’ve learned enough now that they will be the last to adversely influence me.
There traditionally hasn’t been much talk in the gender binary community about men being abused by their female partners. I’ve been lead to believe that I shouldn’t talk about it myself either; that admitting to the abuse I’ve received would make me less attractive, less capable, perceived as weak, etc..
Fortunately now I care a lot less about how people will perceive me in that regard. I’m confident enough in myself to speak out.
I initially started writing this whole ’30 days of kink’ (over 3 years ago!) mainly for this day in the writing. I wanted to build up the courage and the voice to say that I too have been abused. As someone who identifies as male, primarily with female identifying partners, that’s not a viewpoint I often hear from other men.
My adult abusers weren’t physical (although I have heard physical abuse to men by women is almost as common as abuse to women by men, but is very rarely publicised).
If it was physical abuse, perhaps I would have been quicker to recognise the abuse for what it was. Or just like many of the people physically abused by their partner, maybe I wouldn’t have recognised it then either.
The words I used to say like a mantra as a child, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but names won’t hurt me”, is crap.
Sticks and stones may damage me physically, but my body is generally quick to heal.
There are those special kind of words that can cut far deeper into my heart and my soul by abusers who have crafted their art where the damage remains for much longer.
One of my more significant female abusers (and not the first of either gender), was a long term partner during much of the time of her abuse. From inside the relationship, I couldn’t see it. I just knew that everything was my fault.
I knew on some level that if I could just get her out to a public place, she’d be happier. But there was increasingly some sort of excuse not to go out.
Towards the latter part of our relationship, I remember reaching the stage where I’d stand outside her door for 10 minutes before even knocking, just trying to gain the strength to withstand the onslaught of whatever negativity I was going to be held responsible for this time.
Her final abuse was four months after we’d finally broken up. Somehow we were ‘still friends’ up until that point, decreasingly so as I slowly unlatched the various claws she had had in my life. It seemed apt that just as I thought I was making my final exit, she convinced me of another lie.
I later knew, intellectually, that it wasn’t true. Countless others in the years to follow tried to assure me of this too, but it took 13 years before my heart could fully recognise those words as her final act of abuse.
I remember that morning of realisation clearly: as the sun was rising, I’m sure I even heard the heavens singing, when I was finally able to let those words go and be free of her at last.
Another significant abuser was involved in my life quite a few years later. I was on a boat and so there were few places to hide. For months she’d hounded and ripped into me. I knew she was an awful person but I couldn’t seem to stop her. Every day was a different attack, a new direction, a new approach. Her techniques were cutting through the same scars of my abusive relationship a decade earlier.
Even by this stage I’d recognised her as an abuser, but was unfortunately unable to escape directly due to the situation I was in – being on a boat.
One particular day, I remember I had started the day notably happy. Today, I thought, I’m not going to let her break me. But she dug deep, she sliced her words in, twisted, and eventually cut through. Once she’d finally broken me, I watched her literally jig a happy dance for succeeding again this umpteenth day running.
Thankfully shortly after this particular event, I was able to leave the boat. Only then was I informed this abuser had also been leading a vendetta against me for the last 5 months behind my back with the rest of the crew. The truth did of course finally out and the campaign of hatred towards me was broken. But by then the damages had already been done, and I was gone.
You will have read various things about people with BPD, narcissism, etc. If you’ve not, please do look it up.
There’s a quote that been doing the rounds on social media recently by Jill Blakeway:
“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.”
This is partly why around 18 months ago I intentionally stepped back from being as active in the local scene.
After removing the last two toxic people from my life and trying to reprogram all the influence they’d made on me directly, I know they continued to seed malicious gossip about me. This poison cost me a job, and attempted to damage some key friendships of mine. Fortunately the friends rejected their malicious gossip, and moved on too.
I knew these abusers particular flavour, was rarely to say things explicitly, but often would rather hint towards and guide speculation, leading the audience to say what the abuser implied. This way they couldn’t even be held accountable directly for the rumours, and it was always someone else’s fault with their trail of destruction.
So I decided I’d spent enough time wasting my energy on them, their actions, and their miscommunications. I was no longer going to throw any more energy into their negative pit.
I tried to just let it go, do my own thing with people I knew privately, and hoping eventually the ‘truth will out’ again. I don’t know if it has yet, but at this stage, I’m over being bothered by it.
I’ve decided that the people I continued to care about in my life, already know better. Those that don’t, aren’t involved in the very happy life I’m having anyway.
There are many reasons people may take a hiatus from the kink scene. These were my reasons.
So now, I’m in a really great place. I have incredible people around me. No more abusers. I’m living my ultimate dream in so many ways. I’ve learnt so much and I’m going to continue moving forward.
I’ve also let go of the people who’ve wronged me.
This is me. Today.
Every day continues to get better.
Thank you for listening.