For many years, I thought I wasn’t a sadist. I don’t get sexual pleasure in causing harm to others, and I don’t get turned on by seeing/hearing people being harmed, so I can’t be a sadist?
My job as a complementary therapist is about healing people, putting right what was put wrong. Relieving pain and suffering.
But causing pain through ill-positioned ropes, spanking someone until they bruised, whipping someone until bloody welts form on their skin, just seemed to go against all my training and practise.
I did still enjoy giving a good spanking, using various floggers & crops on my partner, nipple clamps, etc.. (okay clearly there were big indications!), but this still didn’t feel sadisic, just a different sort of sensation play!?
I’ve been a professional massage therapist for about 18 years now. I have the strength in my fingertips and hands to delve much deeper into muscles than virtually anyone can bear. I also have a sub-concious connection with each person’s back : it’s like a playground for my hands that I can quite happily spend hours fixing and fiddling with each muscle I find in need of attention.
I have however developed an asexual mindset when I’m working (even though massage has never felt like a chore, so ‘work’ never seemed an appropriate term, but I digress). This asexual mindset is quite critical when I’m working at a sub-concious level though, and I let my hands roam to wherever they feel it’s most appropriate, doing what the client’s body is asking me to do. If I was feeling sexual attraction to my professional client, my hands would pick up on that energy, and would likely go to places inappropriate for a workplace treatment.
Understanding boundaries and adhering to very strict limits comes with the territory.
In the workplace (onsite massage in company office spaces), when someone comes to me with tension that’s been caused through years of ill-posture, I can often have only 20 minutes to try and put it right. Releasing those deep knots in the muscles can require a certain amount of ripping apart those fibrous adhesions that have locked it out of alignment (effectively tearing the knots out of their muscle, so the fibres can reform in alignment where they should be). So for this type of work (which is most of my work), I use a pain scale with all my clients from 1-5 ; 3 being the comfortable level they can maintain for most of the session, 4 being the maximum while I delve for 20 or 30 seconds to release something, 5 being the stage for them that if I don’t stop they’re likely to hit me.
Working on the lymphatic points with my fingers in particular, it can feel like I’m sticking my elbow into a deep bruise they didn’t know about (at a pain level 4 1/2). But I know (often despite their gasps to the contrary), the more rotating pressure I apply, and the more I release that blockage, the better their energy will flow, and within minutes they won’t feel like it’s bruised at all, and they will feel more balanced, their body really appreciating of the release.
I get pleasure in helping people. It’s superb job satisfaction in seeing them walk out of that room with far better posture and freedom of movement than when they walked in. I also know the great positives in having someone break down emotional barriers, and cry openly in my presence as often happens within my other therapies too. There is a massive release in that freedom, and a great strength in letting go.
So very recently, whilst doing deep tissue work on willing masochists within a BDSM social setting (i.e. doing deep tissue work on people I already know are keen masochists), and then delving deep into a pressure point and having them writhe around beneath my fingertips, I realised that I do consciously actually find it quite enjoyable working on the upper edge of my 1-5 scale. When I’m not in the workplace environment, I was now finding myself laughing at their apparent discomfort.
I know the pressure points I’m causing pain through is healing (because I still know what I’m doing from a therapeutic background), I also know that the endorphin rush they’re receiving as a result of that pain is pleasurable for them too. Those of the submissive persuasion also enjoy the dynamic of me holding them on the floor with just a single fingertip, so having them ‘under my thumb’ takes on a new realism.
So do I laugh by their failing attempts to escape the pressure point tension release? Most certainly.
But does it turn me on sexually? No yet. But in time I do wonder how that will change. Within my ‘workplace’ I’ll still have my asexual mindset. But outside of that, I’m now much more willing to explore my own sadistic side, now that I’m conscious it’s become a part of me.
I look forward to playing further with my new found awareness 🙂