Making a start on the 30 days of kink, although it’s not going to be sequential days!
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Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Labels are a difficult one to pin down, and tend to be restrictions to free movement. I do however appreciate the need to simplify something to make it easier to understand.
Life is so fluid for me, and I have such a diverse background that day-to-day, I’m many people to the different people I meet and work with. That’s not to say I’m one way with someone, and another way behind their back. But that different people see me in different roles of their life, from manager, colleague, photographer, therapist, etc..
One overriding feature virtually everyone points out to me, is my big smile, and love of life. Outside of that, my life is pretty much open to options.
I used to be more of a switch whilst getting into Bondage, and I enjoyed learning things from both sides of the rope. But as time has progressed, I now find myself typically sitting into a 95-98% top (varying slightly of course with who I’m with). ‘Holding the ropes’ is generally where I’m happiest, where I feel ‘normal’, and generally where I gain the most enjoyment.
I don’t crave submission or having my life controlled by someone else. Although I can appreciate the appeal to many, I know it’s not something I crave personally.
I do very much enjoy giving pleasure, which is one of the greatest appeals to me of using bondage .. it makes things so much easier to spend hours exploring her body and sensuously teasing her to heightened sexual energy (and often repeated climaxes of course!).
I’m partially of the tantric mindset (although I’d love to do more with it directly) where for me, it’s not primarily about me getting my rocks off. But spending 5 hours doing sexual and sensual things, without actually climaxing personally, would not feel like a loss.
The greater pleasure for me is often in the build up to, and follow up from those peaks. Of course I do thoroughly enjoy climaxing too, it’d be mad to say otherwise. It’s just not my primary goal during play with others.
I also love to learn though, so if that means that she’s the one on top or holding the ropes, guiding me what to do to her for her own pleasure while I’m unable to do much else but follow, that has a certain appeal too. It’s one of the reasons I’m a big fan of face-sitting cunnilingus. Although in that case, if I’m bound, or she’s bound, they both have very similar appeal.
As a result of lots of fitness training, body awareness, and the study of various martial arts over the years, I find it very easy to overpower others. I’m also pretty fast on making ropes secure where appropriate. So for those that enjoy a good struggle, partners have sometimes mentioned it’s almost disappointing how quickly they’ve ‘lost’, so I do try to remember not to be quite so efficient with those people.
I enjoy playing with ropes, positions, and holds that give a certain amount of movement whilst still being inescapable though. When someone is bound, I like to be able to keep them there for a while, rather than needing to move them because of a rope pressure causing potential injury.
I’ve yet to meet someone in a sexual setting that can overpower me, and so quite a few years back when I switched more, I did used to find self-bondage was the best way to give them a head-start (overpowering someone else with both hands tied behind my back was about the limit of my performance!). I am still a massive fan of self-bondage by others, there’s little sexier to me than a women who’s tied herself in anticipation of my arrival.
I love getting into the head of the person I’m playing with. Understanding what’s going through their mind at that particular instant, working with it, enhancing it, and playing with it.
There are unfortunately occasions when I just can’t quite connect with a person intuitively. So this requires a lot more conscious effort until I can find a doorway in. Good honest open communication prior to this is of course important, and once I’m in her head space, everything does feel a lot more natural for both/all of us.
Because of the incredible number of options available in play, I benefit from having an idea at the outset of what limits or areas we’ll be playing within.
That doesn’t mean I can’t push your own limits, and to have you begging me to stop (when we’d previously agreed that’s an appropriate level for you). But I do understand that if your life places certain restrictions on how much or how you play, I can comfortably work within those boundaries, and will not exceed them.
I do gain pleasure in playing with rope for rope’s sake, hence tying at various events without further ‘play’. I prefer to organically develop a bind to match with the environment, or what feels the most appropriate at that time, although I’m happy to accept requests too.
I’m a fan of how rope feels for you, holding you, supporting you, embracing you.
I’m also keen to tie rope that makes you unable to escape. Loose knots that you can simply slide your hands out of, generally defeat the point for me. (although not using rope, and just holding you with a look, positioning you with my hands, is also enjoyable).
I do enjoy arranging rope for artistic / photographic qualities, but this is normally for other photographers, and I often loose the ‘play’ connection because of the level of visual detail often required.
Primarily though, I enjoy rope and other bondage for all it brings into the sensual play environment with a partner. Ultimately, I’m a very tactile person, so whatever enhances that, is what works for me.